The Better Version of Me

“I wish I didn’t feel like there was a better version of me out there. I feel like that all the time.”

This is the most relatable sentence I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

If you don’t already know, I’m such a huge Taylor Swift fan. I’ve seen her in concert twice, I’m the girl who stays up until midnight to download her music, I feel like I grew up with her.

Regan and I at Taylor’s Fearless Tour in 2010

Maybe some of you know this, maybe some of you don’t. In high school, I wrote songs and played guitar. I recorded an album in my living room and sold it on iTunes. I was pretty good. I still have all of my YouTube videos somewhere and maybe someday I’ll be brave enough to post them again. Taylor was my inspiration during my transition from girl to woman.

Regan and I saw Taylor in Minneapolis on Reputation tour in 2018

Taylor Swift recently released a documentary on Netflix called Miss Americana. It essentially details her rise to fame and her highly publicized recent take on politics, her Kanye West feud, her disappearance for over a year, but one particular line just jumped out at me. She said:

“I wish I didn’t feel like there was a better version of me out there. I feel like that all the time.”

My heart just about stopped when she said this. This is what it is like living as a recovering perfectionist.

Watching Taylor in the movie constantly criticizing herself, pushing herself, how she handles disappointment, making everyone wonder how she does it all, it is so obvious to the audience how hard she is on herself and I found myself stuck in the same thought process over and over.

I obsessed over tiny details, so much so that I didn’t put anything out into the world until it was so perfect that I never actually put anything out into the world. It’s addictive behavior and it is exhausting constantly trying to find the person you feel like you should be.

No matter what I do or how hard I try, I’m almost never content with one aspect of my life or another. It goes in waves.

When I’m not obsessing over my weight I’m pushing myself in my career to further my education or find a more challenging job. When I’m content with my job I’m obsessed with keeping my house cleaner and more organized and more efficient to the point of exhaustion. I’m constantly trying to improve myself and be better and push harder. One day I’m a minimalist and the next I’m a shopaholic. I’m constantly looking for bigger and better. I want more and I want it now.

The problem is, I’ve been competent and capable thus far. I know I can push myself and I know I can handle anything. If I want something, I get it. So why not want more? Won’t you get more?

There was one point in the movie where she was filming the music video for ME! and she re films one scene over and over and over. In between takes she is just bashing herself, her dancing skills, her talents. She’s making a joke out of it but if anyone else on the crew were to say those cruel things about her, I’m sure they would be fired. I can so relate to the self criticism and making jokes while I’m just hating myself.

I’m not really sure where I was going with this blog post but here we are. That line just really resonated with me and I wanted to give you a glimpse into my mind as a perfectionist. I get a lot of blog readers that comment and tell me to “slow down” or “focus on my family.”

My mind doesn’t do slow. I’m always looking to the future. I’m always trying to be better than the person I was yesterday. Some days I can maintain that in a healthy manner but perfectionism can become toxic and dangerous and I find myself with an unhealthy obsession with perfectionism more often than not.

That was just one line from the entire movie but it stopped me in my tracks. Overall, Taylor’s new documentary is a 10/10 but honestly, she could say just about anything and I’d still be her biggest fan. If you watch it, let me know. I’m going to re watch it with my mom sometime again soon it was that good.

If you too are struggling with perfectionism, or you’d just love a good book, check out The Gift of Imperfection by Brene Brown: https://amzn.to/37PtSqu

2 thoughts on “The Better Version of Me

  1. Rhonda Russell says:

    I am also a recovering perfectionist. The most valuable thing I’ve learned in all my years is that it is okay to say, “It’s not perfect but it IS acceptable.” I learned that if I continued on the perfectionist pathway, I was going to have a nervous breakdown. It’s a fine line to walk, knowing when to just stop and accept our imperfections. I’ve been a lot happier with myself accepting that I’m not perfect and that it’s okay to be acceptable and not perfect! If I focused on being as physically healthy as my doctor would like me to be, I would not be mentally healthy as I would only be doing things I hate to do and not doing things that I enjoy. Therefore, I exercise enough so that my weight is not grossly out of control which then leaves me time for my hobbies which keeps me mentally healthy. Another fine line to walk: physically vs mentally healthy. Unfortunately, society only sees whether we are physically healthy and doesn’t even understand that we can be physically healthy and yet still be mentally unhealthy. Keep on keeping on and you will get there!

  2. Carolyn Sullivan says:

    There is no one person that is perfect, everyone is perfect some of the time…….
    ACCEPTANCE of myself is important

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