I’ve been in counseling on and off since 2018. It’s even part of why I started this blog in the first place.
Unfortunately, my dear therapist who has seen me for the past five years has retired. I remember telling her I was pregnant with Gannon, I remember when she walked with me through a major career change, she was there for me when my Dad died, she worked through my body dysmorphic disorder with me. She was there when I got my ADHD diagnosis, and now she’s gone. I’m very bummed. I was able to drop in and drop out whenever needed. She would squeeze me in for “urgent” appointments, she’s just a wonderful human and I’m so happy for her.
I actually had one last session with her last week and she began as we always do, her calm and cheerful demeanor – “How are you, Kalissa?” Woah. I haven’t even had time to THINK about how I’ve been doing for months. It’s been survival mode. It’s been treading water and keeping my head up. Gannon and Anders are entirely dependent on me. I feel like a terrible mom to Carver as he gets left in the dust. Post partum is a rollercoaster. The long hospital stays, the constant up in the night and therapies and doctors visits, I’ve not even had a second to think, “How am I?”
With our final session, we’ve concluded I should probably start seeing someone regularly again. I snapped this picture on the way out of her office. This place will always hold such a special place in my heart.
So I’m seeing a new therapist and DANG! I just hit the therapy lottery. She’s AWESOME! I had a major breakthrough in our first session and I wanted to share it with all of you.
I gave her the rundown of what the last few months have been like. I said
“I’m trying to find time for my marriage.”
“I’m trying to give quality attention to Carver.”
“I’m trying to manage all of Gannon’s needs.”
“I’m trying to not hate my new post partum body.”
“I’m trying to breastfeed as long as I can.”
“I’m trying to cut alcohol use.”
She corrected me. She said, “I know you feel like you’re TRYING but I challenge that. I would say you ARE. You ARE doing it all, and quite successfully.”
WOAH! Perspective shift. That turned all of my swirling feelings of not good enough ness and drowning and doggy paddling and just keeping my head above water, it turned ALL of that into feeling like a back float. I can choose to struggle, or float.
I’m not trying, I’m succeeding. There’s nothing more that I can offer. I’ve only got 100% and I’m giving 100%.
I’m doing it. And I can keep doing it.
It brought me such peace, I thought I’d share it all with you.
One of my favorite podcasters shared this quote with me.
“Each morning, peace arrives at your door in the form of choices.”
I’m choosing peace. I’m choosing my perspective. I’m choosing to float.
I hope you can too.
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Kalissa, are doing it and are doing it successfully. The last six months have been difficult for you. However, Anders is thriving, Gannon is healing and becoming healthier, and you are aware that Carver needs “mom time” and you are carving that out for him. Wish I could give you hug.
Now I need to know who that podcaster is.
Sounds like something I would like.
Make Peace your word of the year. My friend picked Hope and I’m thinking of my word. In 2022 it was Serenity, so now I need to find another word. You had so much on your plate these last few months and it looks to me like you did succeed. Raise your arms and do a Rocky cheer! Hmm, you probably don’t know that. It’s Sylvester Stallone as Rocky when he ran up the steps. Be kind to yourself, take it one day at a time.
Sorry to hear that your dear therapist has retired. Congratulations on hitting the therapist lottery with the new one, Kalissa!! Thanks for sharing your journey with us. Thrilled for you that you had a major breakthrough at the first appointment!
I love this! How I wish I had found someone like her when I was raising 3 adopted children with reactive attachment disorder (among many other diagnosis- my husband called the the Alphabet Soup kids, there were so many abbreviations!) BUT- if it helps you to hear it, even all these years later- your sharing this helped me to change my perspective on that time in my life. Was I perfect? No. But I did it. They are all grown and living independent lives. And I, like you, was only seeing what I didn’t do “well enough”, and not seeing the big picture.
Yes, you are doing and doing it well, Kalissa. Congrats.
What a great way to start the first session with your new therapist. Your glass is full, you are doing it and its good. Lots of moving parts being a mom of 3 boys, a good wife, a great daughter and a worker. You are doing it! just keep floating. You got this.
I saw this statement yesterday that has really helped me. “My track record for getting through bad days is 100 percent, and that’s pretty good.”.
Float, young lady, float!!! You are doing a great job with all your kids, your husband, your job…you do so much so well!! So glad you clicked with the new therapist…it can be difficult to find the right one and here you have found TWO!!!
Oh Kalissa I’m so happy that you are realizing this! You are successful! Life has given you a heavy load these last few months and you are still swimming. All we can do sometimes is just keep going. I love this post, choose peace.